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Answering the Number One Question

When men find out that I’m a marriage coach the number one question they ask is, “Can you fix my wife?”

Not “What advice do you have for me?” or “Cool, what do I need to do to really let my wife know I love her?” or even “How much do you charge?” But “Can you fix my wife?”

I can’t say i’m really surprised by this. We know our motives, we know why we do something, so we automatically assume our way of thinking is “right” and, if they could just come around to my side everything would be great. We rarely take the time to try to understand other people’s points of view, and sadly, that often goes double for our spouse.

We tell ourselves, “She should just know what I mean. After all we’ve been together for years.” And in the same breath we complain, “I never know what she’s talking about. I’ll never understand her.”

It sounds pretty bad when you see it back-to-back like that eh?

When I encounter this situation with my clients I like to play a special game with them. I especially like to play it right after they’ve had a good rant about how their wife’s impression of them is totally wrong.

It’s called the “What if everything my wife says about me is right game”

The rules are simple. Imagine that everything your wife says about you is right. Your opinion doesn’t matter. Now, if that is the case, what does that mean about you?

It’s a sobering experiment.

It looks a bit like this:

Client: My wife says that I’m always yelling.

Me: Assume she’s right. What does that mean?

Client: It must mean that I’m talking louder than I think I am. Come to think of it her dad always yelled at her when she was a kid. He was a real piece of work you know, and…. Aw crap, she thinks I’m acting just like her dad! No wonder she keeps trying to avoid talking to me.

It’s amazing what we can understand when we take the time to see things from our spouse’s point of view.

I encourage you to take some time to play this game yourself this week. You may just learn something and strengthen your marriage at the same time.

By the way, my standard answer to the Number One Question is, “That’s odd, your wife asked me if I could fix you.”

If you’re interested in finding out exactly what your wife is talking about click the button below. I’m ready to help you out.

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Take Action

I love my job. There is nothing more powerful to me than helping someone take action to move forward in their life. And when I watch a client take control and and take their marriage to the next level? You can’t wipe the smile off my face for days!

I’m often asked why I got into coaching in the first place. The simple answer is that I love helping people.

The deeper answer is that I realized that one of the reasons so many marriages fail is that many of us never had a great model to follow. Even those of us that did (my own parents were very much in love and worked well together as a team) can still see their marriage fail (as my first one did after 16 years.)

When looking at my own experience I saw that even though I was committed to being married, I was not committed to being a great husband. I had a pretty good model, but I lacked the skills needed to keep it together. And it never occurred to me to ask for help, until it was too late.

Once I understood that I made it my mission to work with (primarily) husbands to give them the skills they need in their marriage, so that they can model a great marriage for their children. Additionally those parents can then be mentors who speak into their children’s marriages.

I’m here to help kickstart a cycle of strong marriages that carries on for generations. That is what gets me out of bed in the morning. That is what drives me to be fully present for my clients. That is, to put it simply, my God-given mission in this life.

As a coach I can work with anybody to help them get the results they want in life. And I specialize in working with Men who want a marriage that makes their friends jealous. As in, “I want a marriage like Ted has!” In general I prefer working with Christian Men as it gives me a leg up because I have God on my side.

Now comes the rant.

It absolutely drives me crazy when I meet strong Christian men who know that their marriage is not what it should be. But their solution is to pray for things to get better… and that’s it!

Now, I believe firmly in the power of prayer, and, yes, it is within God’s power to simply change your heart, and “fix everything” in your marriage. However, I’ve never seen that happen. Not “just like that.” Not without a lot of effort on our part. (Check out James 1:22 for one reason why.)

The Lord may open your eyes, and even give you the strength you need, but you have to do something. Sadly most men (and women) in this position don’t know what to do. If they did, they would have been doing it already. So they wait, begging the Lord to save their marriage while they sit idly by as it slowly continues to die.

Like I said, it drives me crazy. I have the tools and the knowledge they need, and they won’t take the step to work with me because “they have faith that God will answer their prayer.”

I’m reminded of the story of a man trapped on the roof of his house during a nasty flood. A rowboat comes by and calls the man to get in and be rescued. He responds, “It’s alright. God will save me.” The boat moves on and the waters continue to rise. Soon a motorboat comes by and, again, they call for the man to get in. Again he says, “It’s alright. God will save me.” Finally the water is up to his chest and a helicopter comes by with a rope ladder. They yell for the man to grab hold. The man waves and says once more, “It’s alright. God will save me.” Eventually he is overcome by the flood water and drowns. Once in Heaven he meets God and complains to him, “What happened? I had faith in You. Why didn’t you save me?” The Lord replies, “What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter for you!”

I don’t put a lot of stock in coincidences. If you are struggling in any way in your marriage and I (or someone like me) suddenly appears in your life, well, that’s what we call a clue. Or, you might even call it an answer to prayer.

I’m here to help.

I want the best for you and your marriage.

It’s why I’m here.

All you need to do is take action and ask.


Back to Basics

A few days ago I posted a video where I discussed my journey as a guitar player and how that mirrored my marriage journey. (If you missed it you can watch it here. Take a few minutes, I’ll wait for you.)

The main message was about learning to listen, however there was another message there that I want to take some time now to expand on.

When I decided to get serious about really learning to play my guitar, I decided to go back to basics. To start from square one, as if I was brand new. I made a conscious decision to follow the steps as presented by my coach in his program.

Why is that so important?

Because, even though I know some things, I don’t know everything (as evidenced by my lack of skill). And, what’s more important, what I do know I may know “wrong”, and that misunderstood “knowledge” could really be holding me back.

This is a situation that I see in many of my clients. They know some things about marriage. They even do many things well. But, they’ve usually missed some fundamental skills, and some of the techniques they use are doing more harm than good.

When I run seminars, I always address this situation right up front when I ask the participants to listen with an open mind, forgetting what they already “know” so that they can be open to the new ideas I have to share with them.

This attitude of “going back to basics” is super important when you are trying to up-level your existing knowledge. It allows you to fill in the knowledge gaps you have, correct any misunderstandings in your method, and take the things you were already doing right to a whole new level.

Karate masters use this principle in their ongoing training. Every so often a black belt will start again as a brand new white belt student and rise through the ranks again. Perfecting their technique opens them to new levels of understanding and mastery.

Take a minute to evaluate your marriage:

  • Is your relationship less than you hoped it would be?
  • Are there areas where you struggle because you’re “missing something”?
  • Would you like to take it to the next level, to have a marriage that makes your friends jealous?

I bet you got at least one ‘YES!’, right? Great! None of us are perfect and when we pretend that nothing is wrong we can create a pattern that hurts everyone we love. Trust me, it isn’t the best choice and it doesn’t work in the long-run.

If you’re ready to get back to basics and learn how to have the best marriage possible – to go for real mastery! – you are the perfect candidate for a new program that I’ll be launching in the next week.

There’ll be limited space and it will be filled on a first-come-first-served basis. To reserve your spot in line just fill out the form below and you’ll be the first to get all the details.

And, as always, if you’d like to learn more about what having a coach can do for not only your marriage but your life in general, click the Book a Discovery Session button to have a no obligation chat with me.